Clowns are stupid

…So much has happened in the past five months. I wish I hadn’t neglected this thing for so long so I could look back on everything, but I haven’t and am not going to recap that time here! I’ve sat here for an hour thinking over everything that’s happened in my life over those five months, and I think it all comes down to this: I’m an idiot and I need Jesus desperately.

So there’s this prayer I’ve prayed for a really long time… at least since the time I decided that I wanted to work for Young Life one day. And it always went something like this; “God, I want to go to the hardest place imaginable. I want to be challenged, I want to be broken, I want to despair of life, I want to be tested and stripped of every comfort I have. Make it happen.” About three or four months ago I really started to regret ever praying that stupid prayer!

I don’t really think this is the hardest place imaginable, but I will say that I have experienced challenge, brokenness, and dependence on God more than I ever have in my life. And it wasn’t easy… I’ve definitely experienced my lowest of lows since moving to Gastonia – duking it out with God, battling with trust and wondering if he really knows what he’s doing. I mean, I moved down here with a plan – and it was a great plan if you ask me. Kids were going to fall down and praise Jesus’ name shortly after I said hi to them and accepted their camp deposits, people were going to be writing me $10,000 checks left and right, hundreds of college students were going to be lining up to be leaders in Gaston County, Denny Rydeberg was going to respectfully resign as president of Young Life and offer me his position (to which I would politely decline and continue in Gaston County), and I was going to be a Young Life All Star. Needless to say, this isn’t exactly what’s happened, but God has certainly showed up.

After getting a little taste of what hardship really feels like, I think I’ve realized why God has put me into a hard situation – but certainly not the hardest one I could imagine… I couldn’t handle it. I’m not nearly as tough as I thought I was. I’ve realized in just about every possible way that I’m not nearly as _______ (insert any good quality you’d think of to ascribe to yourself) as I thought I was. Not nearly as smart, good, ready, etc. Instead, I’ve realized just the opposite. I’m not smart – I’m an idiot, I’m not good – I’m awful, and I’m not ready – I have no idea what I’m doing.

Coming to a realization of these things wasn’t so easy on the ego… Which is good because that stupid thing needed to die. Not that it has died… as much as I wish it weren’t true I’m still an arrogant idiot. But it has been wounded, the ego that is, and I can’t walk in it too long any more without noticing that I’m walking with a limp.

It makes me think of the story of the women caught in adultery. Jesus delivers the famous line, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” After he said that those who heard began to walk away one by one, the older ones first. Anyone who is familiar with the story knows that it was the older ones who walk away first because they were wiser, more experienced, and probably had a much greater understanding of how sinful they really were, whereas the younger ones were filled with pride and a youthful ignorance… I’m still not sure I’d be the first guy to make a bee line for the door when Jesus said this, but I’ll tell you what, I am grateful to say that I think I’d be prone to move much more quickly than I would have six months ago. And in the end I think that’s what really matters.

Jesus is after me – I can just feel it. He’s attacking me everywhere that I think I’m strong to show me that I am weak. He’s going to all the places where I think I can get by on my own, and showing me that I desperately need Him. I’ve always told people about this relentless God who pursues them at any cost to show them that He loves them and that they need Him… and I feel like I’m finally learning what I’ve been trying to teach all this time.

It’s actually a pretty terrifying thought to think that God is after me… It’s going to mean that things have to change, and change can be rough, especially when you’ve grown accustomed to doing things a certain way for so long. It’ll mean I’ll have to stop doing things that I want to do, and to start doing things that I don’t want to do… I mean, in the end it doesn’t really mean anything has to change. I could very well ignore every inclination of the spirit and continue to do things exactly how I want to… but we all know how that one’s going to end, and I know that it “hurts me to kick against the goads.” Plus I’m not really into masochism, so I think I’ll try and take the big man’s advice on this one. After all, He’s supposed to be the one who knows what’s best for me, right?

I have to say, I’ve probably never felt more freedom in my entire life. There’s just something so beautiful about realizing that you’re nothing but a huge mess of screw up, but that even a huge mess of screw up isn’t too much for God to redeem. It’s just funny that I have to go through so much to constantly be reminded of this. Maybe funny isn’t the best word – it’s more sad than anything. Humanity is so messed up over sin that we have to be punched in the face over and over again and we still don’t get it. We’re like those punching bags you had as a kid…

You’d punch Bozo in the face, he’d lean all the way back to the ground, then he’d pop right back up because all of his weight was in his bottom. He had nothing but air in his head. I feel like that a lot. I keep getting knocked over because I’ve got nothing but air in my head. I continually suppress the truth and bury it down deep in me. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I just really want to get it...

If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you...?

Why did the disciples follow Jesus? I woke up at 3 am this morning pondering this question... and this is precisely why I don’t go to bed early. I decided to call it an early night and rest up for my drive back home to the KY today, so I went to bed around 10:30. Planned on sleeping in, but(and gladly - I think my body is finally getting used to the 4.5 hour/night plan) I woke up at 3 feeling refreshed and ready to go. So I spent most of the morning in the gospel of John trying to figure out why these guys just dropped everything and followed Jesus.

There’s probably a whole lot of historical stuff, relational connections, etc, that I know nothing about, but here’s what I came up with...

The disciples followed Jesus because someone told them to - the power of testimony. So in John 1 we’ve got John the Baptist, he sees Jesus and says, “Lamb of God.” Andrew and undisclosed disciple x are around and hear him, so they follow Jesus. Andrew goes to Peter says, “Messiah,” Peter follows. Philip’s calling is a little bit different. Phil’s chilling, Jesus sees him and says, “Follow me,” Philip follows. Philip goes to Nathanael says, “The one Moses wrote about in the law,” Nathanael follows him. And the following begins.

What we don’t see here is the backdrop – the history between all these people. Andrew and disciple x are disciples of John, they know him, they trust him. He has earned their favor, their ear, and the right to be heard. And I think that’s why they follow Jesus – they’re just going on the word of a man they call friend. Peter follows Jesus because Andrew is his brother and he said to. Philip’s calling kind of throws a wrench in there, but no doubt there are other reasons these guys follow Jesus. After all, he is God, so he kinda has that sort of power. Nathanael is the most intriguing case here in the calling of the first disciples in John 1. He must have really thought something of Philip, because when Philip tells him about Jesus, it looks like he doesn’t really believe what Philip says, but decides to check it out anyway.

Andrew, disciple x, Peter, and Nathanael all start to follow Jesus for the simple reason that someone they knew and trusted told them to and invited them along side of them. Did they have any idea what they were getting into? I don’t think they had a clue... But what you’ve got is a group of guys huddled around this Jesus character, this person tells that person, that person tells that other person, and on and on. Pretty soon it’s growing more and more as each person tells another person, until finally you see this huge movement and large crowds are gathering. A community is built. This community starts traveling around, others begin to see this following and are observing the way these folks interact and handle themselves, it’s attractive – and people want it. So they start inviting others into this established community of people who seem to have something going on in them, like they’ve got some sort of answer. And they do have the answer, WE HAVE THE ANSWER... How crazy is that? The answer to the question everyone is asking... Where is life? Where is truth? What is the way? When people ask questions like, “What are you doing tonight,” that’s what they’re looking for. Where’s the exciting stuff happening? Do you have something I don’t? I wanna be at that party... I want to be a part of something. And we have that something!

People will follow you into something when they feel like you care about them, that they can trust you, that you are their friend. “Big doors swing on small hinges”... a great leader has a great ability to move a great amount people towards something. This can be a scary thought... great leaders don't always lead you to great places. You better be leading them into something that can deliver, or else you’re gonna lose them. Luckily, we follow the CREATOR of life, so I think he knows a thing or two about where you can find it...

so live your life, ay!

So my friends Paul and Sara were supposed to be coming to visit me this weekend, but due to some unfortunate events it fell through. They left early afternoon on Friday and were planning on arriving in Gastonia around 10. Mother Nature, amongst other things, had different plans. They ended up in a stand still on I-77 for about 18 hours stuck behind a semi that had jack knifed, and clean-up crews weren’t able to get to it because of the weather until early afternoon the next day. I think it’s times like these when you get to learn if you really know how to live...

It’s easy to be happy and find joy in life when everything’s going well, but when you can go through crappy situations and call it an adventure when your life sucks, that's where you really find out if you know how to live. One of the reasons I love Paul so much is because he’s one of those people who can look at being stuck in traffic for 18 hours in a foot of snow and call it an “adventure”. And to be honest, I really wish I was there to live it with him… I like to think of myself as that kind of person, too.

There have been only a few times that I can really remember being in situations where I didn’t take the crap life handed me, tell it to suck it, and keep on loving life anyway. And I think that’s definitely a place that God has helped me to get to. Before I met Jesus I didn’t know jack about life, except that I wanted it, and I had no idea where to find it. So I tried a lot of different things, and I went to a lot of different places. And I just have no idea how someone can look at life this side of Christ and ever take it for granted. Life, and life abundantly is what Jesus promises to us. Sometimes that’s a blizzard in West Virginia, a jack knifed semi, and some ruined plans. Sometimes it’s watching Jesus do a work in a kid’s life. Either way you cut it, it’s life abundantly and it’s pretty freakin sweet if you ask me!

“Jesus promised his disciples three things - that they would be completely fearless, absurdly happy and in constant trouble.” I love it... We aren’t promised that it’s gonna be easy, that we’re not going to get banged up, but I think we are promised that it will certainly be an adventure. Adventures mean risks, it means jumping into things not knowing what’s going to happen or how it’s going to turn out, it means turning your cards over and betting your life on Jesus Christ. And it really should be an easy and joyous exchange. This Jesus Christ is the most attractive person to ever walk the earth. If you call yourself a Christian and that’s not apparent in the way you live and walk through life, there’s something terribly wrong. Christians should be the most attractive, exciting, adventure-living creatures that you ever laid eyes on.

I think there’s this terrible perspective problem out there... People saying things like “Man, I can’t wait to get to heaven and get out of this place.” Well hey, I can’t wait to get to heaven either, and it is “better by far,” but eternity is here. It’s already begun. And if you think that living in utter joy is something reserved for after you die, you are terribly mistaken. We get to experience God now. We get to experience life with Him and know the richness of his grace, the fullness of his love, his might and his strength as he does crazy works in a messed-up, sinful people. This isn’t heaven, but the time to live is now, and it’s awesome!

I had a conversation with someone today kind of along these lines. They were talking about how much of a drag college can be sometimes and how draining it is. And it can certainly be those things. They were really looking forward to being done with school so that they could get out and into the mission field to be able to do what they really wanted to do. And this is something that I am totally guilty of sometimes... The thought that you have to walk through the mundane so that you can get to the exciting. Slap me in the face! If you don’t see yourself as a missionary helping people with health problems while you’re studying your medical books you’re flat out wrong. If I don’t see myself as a missionary while I’m studying the word, praying for kids, and reading every stupid update they put up on the Gaston Board of Education website, then I’m an idiot. The only way that I can do the things that I want to do is by “going into strict training,” and “beating my body and making it my slave.” And these aren't supposed to be unexciting, monotonous times, they're supposed to be times of joy. You CANNOT be a good missionary if you haven’t prepared. The preparation and the adventure can’t be separated, the adventure is in the preparation. Nothing that you do to prepare is mundane, and nothing in life should be treated as such.

Christmas is approaching, and advent is a time of waiting and of eager expectation. For years and years the Jews waited for the coming of the Messiah, and we are to this day awaiting the return of that Messiah. And I think we’re supposed to learn a lot about life in that time of expectation. Mainly that it was meant to be lived. The gospel narrative opens up with a bunch of people waiting for things. Mary and Joseph waiting on baby Jesus, Elizabeth and Zechariah waiting on baby John. The gospels themselves ended the “silent period” of 400 years between the last book of the Old Testament and the first book of the New Testament, which was no doubt a time of eager expectation and waiting for God to speak once again. And it’s all over the bible... Hebrews 11 is full of the stories of countless people who waited in eager expectation but “...did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.” The time of silence, of waiting and eager expectation, or what some may call the “mundane,” is the time of preparation for what is to come. During the “silent period” between the Old and New Testament God was hardly silent. Amongst a long list of things, one of the most important things that was happening during this time was the building up of the Roman Empire and the construction of roads that would enable the spread of Christianity to the ends of the earth. Without these happenings the wildfire spread of Christianity would not have been possible. Without discipline and “strict training” you will never reach the “exciting” times where you really feel alive, and would’ve missed out on a whole lot of living if you didn’t get this right.

All that to say this, life was meant to be lived. And it was meant to be lived in a certain way. Don’t sell it short. Waiting isn’t a period of sitting around with your arms crossed doing nothing, it’s a period of preparing, getting your hands dirty, and living life.

Let this be true of me.

what did i just say?

So I heard this joke once, I think it was from Derek Broyles, it goes like this… “How did the one legged chicken cross the road?”… You give the person a few seconds, they throw out a few answers, but none of them are right, so you offer them a clue. The clue is “take the ‘f’ out of free, and the ‘f’ out of way.” The joke is really in the clue, and it usually takes the person a few moments to realize that the word way doesn’t contain the letter ‘f’. To which they typically respond, “There’s no ‘F’ in way.” And there’s the punch line... they usually don't realize what they're saying until after they said it. I tell that joke because I couldn’t think of any other way to explain those times when you make a statement, but don’t really realize what you’re saying. Maybe like a time when you make a completely innocent statement, and meant nothing by it, but then you realize the context in which it was said and realize, “Oh gosh, what have I said?” I had a moment like that today, but instead of realizing that I said something ‘inappropriate’, I realized the beauty of the words that were coming from my mouth.

For new staff training one of our assignments was to memorize John 1:1-18. Being the little procrastinator that I am, I waited until an hour before I had to leave for new staff training to do it. So I’m trying to bust out 18 verses of memorization, just flying through it, memorizing words but not really taking anything in. I get to verse 14, “The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us”, and I repeat it again, “The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us,” and again, “The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.” And then, as if it was the first time I had ever heard this outrageous claim, “THE WORD BECAME FLESH AND MADE HIS DWELLING AMONG US!!!!!” It was like a slap in the face. God, the guy in heaven, the dude who created everything, forfeited his rights, put on some flesh, and moved into the neighborhood (KW). Now that’s just crazy. I don’t really care to expound on that, it just really hit me that I had been looking at that statement, saying it out loud, and had no realization of what I was saying. I didn’t really think much more about it until later on tonight. I’m at Windy Gap for a staff conference for a few days, and spent the afternoon/night with all the new staff folks. I just really love Young Life a lot, and was sitting around soaking up the beauty of Windy Gap, the fellowship of friends, just thinking about life a little bit and considering how God wants us to live it out. And I think that the mission of YL and all the YL folks really get life… they really know how to live. I’ve yet to find, as a whole, a more attractive group of folks who are just excited about life. Jesus Christ is the most attractive person to ever “make his dwelling among us”. He still dwells among us today, and our lives should be a reflection of that. We were “made to live with eyes wide-open”. To observe, consume, and enjoy the beauty and adventure of life. I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I remembered the memorization moment from the morning, and just wanted to repent of opening my bible and failing to enjoy the fullness and richness of the life that it gives, of my failure and lack of awe of God and the truths of His word, and for looking it right in the eye and just making an assignment of it. Life is more than a list of things to do, more than a series of assignments, and the moment you make it about anything less than Jesus Christ is the moment you lose it. I’ve always loved this quote...

Wouldn’t that just be the worst thing you could ever discover at the end of your life? Yet that’s the final, dark page of the lives of most people. As for me, I want to live my life deliberately for the cause of Jesus Christ, to front him as the only essential thing, so that, in the end, I can discover that I had lived life, and lived it to the full.

Jim Rayburn's last address to the YL staff was this: "Young Life is Jesus Christ, and don't you ever forget it." I hope I never do...

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy...

So one of my favorite places to go is to the park... By “the” park I don’t mean any specific park, just parks in general… I like ‘em all. It’s a place for me to escape and relax, I’ll usually just read or listen to music. I’m almost always the only person there in the middle of the day, especially in December, but I had some hardworking guests today from the Gaston Parks and Recreation Department...



This went on for about 45 minutes. They pulled up in their truck and trailer, got out and picked up a few pieces of trash from the parking lot, tossed some pigskin, got back in and drove off. I kinda wanted to be mad at them for being lazy and not doing their job, but I’m not gonna lie... I really just thought it was awesome!

Getting paid to play football... looks like he kept both feet in, too!

Genesis

There was this sociological study some folks did a while back… They surveyed fifty people over the age of 95, and asked the question, “If you had to live your life over again, what would you do differently?” There were a multitude of answers, but three answers rose up above all the rest. They said they would reflect more, they would risk more, and that they would do more things that would live on after they died. Hopefully this will help me to do at least the first…

I’ve got this kind of annoying problem about remembering things. I can always remember how something made me feel, but sometimes it’s hard for me to remember why it made me feel that way. I’m not really sure what that says about me, or if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. It makes it pretty easy to forget being “wronged” and stuff like that, but I feel like I probably end up missing out on some good memories. Here’s an example: I really enjoy reading. If I read a chapter of a book, in a few days I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you very much of what it said, but I could tell you how much I enjoyed it, hated it… just how it made me feel. I have to take notes on most everything I read if I want to remember anything about it. It’s not like a memory problem, I can memorize content pretty easily, but only when I’m intentional about it. So maybe this whole blogging thing is a good thing for me to do. I’d like to remember all the “stupid” little things of life that kinda hold it all together. The “laminin” of life if you will. I’m not sure if that’s even what I’ll end up doing here, but I guess it at least gives me a venue for it. So I guess this blog is mostly for me, so I can look back and see the things that I can laugh at, get upset about, enjoy, or whatever… Maybe you’ll enjoy it too, I dunno.

Anyways, I guess this is hello to the blogging world! Hopefully I can be a good father to my baby blog…